soft heart, heavy mind

7 / 10

*** I'm okay mostly. My medication (that I so graciously found myself skipping out on has finally started working again - thank You, Lord!- but things are rocky on the home front.

   Since it feels like I am not allowed to feel on the outside, I plan to lay it all out on these pages for as long as my children allow me to. Garrett and I just had yet another disagreement. I complained about the lack of communication and connection between us. He told me that it was largely due to the state of the house and that I am a messy person. 

   In that moment, I felt like a failure as a wife. I felt that my negative traits overpower who I am as a woman. If I think about it, I would admit there was a sense of shame as well. My biggest thing is this: if he can't see past the clutter, does he really see me? A part of me feels like I could do everything right, and somehow we still wouldn't vibe in sync. 

   I will admit my delivery is not the greatest. I hold onto things so long that when they do finally surface, there is an underlying tone of resentment that crosses over. Lately, I've felt ignored, and my oh my.. that is my biggest trigger. I've tried to express that to Garrett, but it really does not seem to matter to him. This entire situation that we have found ourselves in worries me. Garrett's avoidance and annoyance towards me is unsettlingly similar to how Julian interacted with me towards the end of our relationship. *sighs*

   I feel like the problem and would be better off alone. It'd be less lonely.